Top Ten Lists

The Top Ten Things Church Members Think About While Singing Hymns

10.  The pot roast.

9.  What does pastor wear under robes?

8.  Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?

7.  90 minutes till kickoff.

6.  Did I turn off the coffee pot?

5.  Will the ceiling fan fall and hit me on the head?

4.  How many people have lost more hair than I have?

3.  How would this hymn sound if Metallica played it?

2.  Are there still doughnuts in the Sunset Funset parlor?

1. How many more verses?

Excerpted & modified from Chapter 8 of Holy Humor Page 130; 272 pages

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU’RE BORED…

    10)  Look down it at somebody   (Pride)

     09)  Poke it into someone else’s business  

            (Strife / Dissension)

     08)  Snoop around with it   (Nosey / Gossip)

     07)  Get it out of joint   (Anger)

     06)  Cut it off to spite your face   (Bitterness)

     05)  Pay through it   (Materialism)

     04)  Find something right under it  (Love / Salvation)

     03)  See past it   (Eternity / Hope)

     02)  Keep it clean   (Humility / Obedience)

  AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE…

     01)  Get it stuck in a book   (The Bible!)

TOP 40 REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH

A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didn’t attend worship services, included “Reasons Why I Never Wash” in the Sunday bulletin:

• I was forced to as a child.

• People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else.

• There are so many different kinds of soap; I can’t decide which one is best.

• I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.

• I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.

• None of my friends wash.

• I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.

• I can’t spare the time.

• The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.

• People who make soap are only after your money.

• I don’t like the songs people sing in the bathroom.

• I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I don’t need a bathtub.

• I know how to stay clean without washing.

• The last time I washed, someone was rude to me.

• What I do doesn’t affect anybody but me.

• I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.

• I don’t believe in soap. I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened.

• Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science.

• If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me.

• I’m so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog.

• Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time.

• Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.

• If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards.

• Washing is for women and children.

• Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.

• I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.

• I only believe in things I can see, and I can’t see bacteria.

• Children need to see that it is OK to be different.

• Children need to see a few bad examples.

• Washing may have been OK in my grandfather’s day, but it’s not practical in today’s world. I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive.

• I watch other people washing on TV.

• There are lots of clean people who never wash.

• We’ve just moved here six years ago and haven’t had a chance.

• I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!

• I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.

• I never wash when I have company.

• Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.

• My wife washes enough for the whole family

• I know people who wash but don’t act very clean.

• Washing is the opiate of the masses.

The fact that men are naturally drawn to the shiny allure of technology isn't just a cliche, it's a duty!

Now it may surprise you, but most preachers are basically human and a goodly portion of them are also men. This means that even preachers like technology. This of course, isn't always the case, but in my world it is.

Sadly the world of technology has often ignored the office and calling of preachers. So, part of my hope this year is to feed the creativity of the gadget geeks and, perhaps this year's Christmas list can someday become next year's Christmas reality.

So, without further adieu, the Christmas 2006 Edition of the Heavenly Top Ten is:

• A Pulpit Electromagnet Pulse Generator (PEMP) -- with a press of a button all cell phones within a 300 meter radius will be knocked out for the entire service! Guaranteed to almost never interfere with pacemakers!

• A Membership to "Transitions Anonymous" (TA) -- for the preacher who feels compelled to use every slide transition available for his PowerPoint presentations!

• The Three Stooges Deluxe DVD collection with Sermon Illustration Annotations -- What sermon couldn't be made better with a video illustration from Curly, Larry and Moe?

• Clap-On-Clap-Off Star of Bethlehem Nightlight -- the nightlight has an LED display that guides the star around your room during the night. It can also be programmed to guide you to the refrigerator after everyone else is asleep!

• "The Light of the World" Christian Laser Pointer -- comes with an attachment to make the beam into the shape of a cross.  (Also comes with a 666 attachment for those rare occassions when meetings go extra-long, or salesmen come to visit.) Use with caution! Don't aim at planes or wives!

• "THE PREACHER Automatic Voice Synthesizer" -- This gadget looks for monotone speach patterns and processes them into a more compelling presentation. Available vocal qualities/intonations include: Billy Graham, Bill Hybles, Rick Warren, James Earl Jones, Charlton Heston, Boris Karloff and Jay Leno's impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger!

• Hallelujah Chorus Alarm Clock -- it makes your wake ups heavenly!

• Force-Feedback Pews -- with these babies installed the congregation will not only hear your sermon, they'll feel it as well. Guaranteed to make seekers sensitive!

• "Youth Pastor Common Sense Governor" -- there'll be no more late-night calls or emergency board meetings with this little-blessing powered up! Set the "Common Sense Parameters" and sleep well on youth group night!

• And the number one Christmas Gadget for Techno-Preachers is:

• The "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth" Manual (BIBLE) -- it certainly isn't a gadget, and it may not be new technology, but it is timeless. It will never be outdated or lacking in truth or power!

The Ten Suggestions

1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods besides me.

2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy God in vain without the express written consent of Adonai thy God. The name "Adonai thy God" is the sole property of Adonai thy God. Any use of the name of Adonai thy God without the express written consent of Adonai thy God is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy God.

4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.

5. Honor thy single parent.

6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.

8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Wapner.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his power tools.

Ten Things to Consider in 2007:

1. Stuff happens: Everybody/everything has bad days.  They usually pass.

2. Take a deep breath:  Take a time out, “stuff” will look better later.

3. Don’t be greedy:  Even if you want it, life isn’t about having it all. 

4. Life is risk:  We are not guaranteed more than today.

5. We are connected:  All of creation is kin.  When one of us hurts we all hurt.

6. Quality counts:  It isn’t that we “have it all.”  It is that we make what we do have count.

7. When in doubt, do nothing:  God said in the Old Testament:  “Be still and know that I am God.”  Some times doing nothing leads to a resolution in its own unique time.

8. We all have choices:  We are not puppets.  We are given freedom of will.  Use it to make what you’ve got count for something. 

9. Something bigger is going on:  We are not the center of the universe – God is.  Hold that thought.

10. Count your blessings:  Even when you think it can’t get worse, it can…but you’re not there.  Be thankful!   It’s an attitude.              

Top Ten Reasons Why Adults

Quit Going to Church

10.  Got divorced/separated (10%)

9.   Church was run by a clique that discouraged involvement (12%)

8.   Stopped believing in organized religion (14%)

7.   Church was not helping me develop spiritually (14%)

6.   Work situation prevented church attendance (15%)

5.   Moved too far from church  (17%)

4.   Church members were judgmental of others (17%)

3.   Church members seemed hypocritical  (17%)

2.   Family/home responsibilities prevented attendance (17%)

1.   Simply got too busy (19%)

From http://prayconnecticut.blogspot.com